My Gonzo Take on the Golden Globes

Okay, I watched the 2010 Golden Globes. I really enjoyed the show. I thought the host, Ricky Gervais, did a great job while drinking his beer at the podium, getting an obvious buzz in a much more informal environment than the Oscars. As usual, I was jealous of all the beautiful people enjoying the limelight at the Beverly Hilton while I sat in my trailer park, glued to the screen, green with envy, and guzzling Budweiser.

It was fun to see Mickey Rourke kiss Mike Tyson… nice to see such macho guys show a little love. Seeing Colin Farrell as a presenter reinforced once again how much I wish I could cast him in my mobster script, Joey & Jeffie, as Joey (Crazy Joe) Gallo beside Michelle Rodriguez as Las Vegas showgirl, Jeffie Lee… maybe someday if I don’t get whacked first or if Harvey Weinstein doesn’t beat me to the punch.

I thought it was only fitting that James Cameron won Best Director and Avatar won Best Motion Picture. I mean, really folks, who can beat the four and a half year project, Avatar? I know all you film purists hate it, but you have to give the devil his due: Avatar is what movies are all about, i.e., it is entertaining. So suck it up - better luck next time.

And how about Quentin Tarantino? Suave… goddamn, he’s suave! I mean, I thought his movie Inglourious Basterds was an overrated version of a Hogan’s Heroes episode from a script with way too much white space, but what do I know? I still love the guy. I miss the days of True Romance and Reservoir Dogs. I’d give my left nut to be able to write scripts like that. And I just know that the misspelling of bastards must have been unintentional, but when called on it he must have said, “Fuck it” and left it at that. I mean, didn’t the guy drop out of school in the Eighth grade? And let’s not forget, this is a guy who said Oliver Stone is “an overrated Stanley Kramer.” He had the balls to say that about Oliver fucking Stone, man!

The fact is, none of Tarantino’s movies come even close to Platoon or Born on the 4th of July. Inglourious Basterds nominated for Best Motion Picture? Knee grow, please. As one astute observer at the Cannes put it, Inglorious Basterds is “…an action movie with no action.” But Tarantino was a huge influence on me, and is one of the reasons I decided to write scripts. I fell for the whole million dollar ad campaign paid for by the Weinstein’s of the video store clerk turned movie auteur. And I always go see everyone one of his flicks when they come out. I’m just jealous! Okay?

And the rest of the show? I didn’t see most of the shows that were nominated or that won. My cable TV got cut off almost three years ago when I sold my soul and spent every extra penny I had to make my own shitty little movie. But I’m happy for everyone, okay?

I’m happy for Jeff Bridges. I always liked his dad, Lloyd Bridges, in the television show, Sea Hunt, which aired back when Methuselah was a baby. I will eventually see Crazy Heart.

Meryl Streep? You can’t go wrong with the greatest living female actress on the planet. Unless maybe with Jessica Lange as a serious contender for that slot?

Robert Downey, Jr.? He’s like the new Brando, right? Or he’s at least in contention with Christian Bale for that title, right?

I would love to see Precious, but jeez, what a downer of a movie it must be… after watching the trailer I was reaching for my hanky and felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I will say, however, that the best golden globes at the 2010 Golden Globes were on Mariah Carey. I will see Precious someday, too.

Maybe this year I’ll get my cable hooked back up and have some extra bread to see some cable TV and some flicks, man. Hell, I might even get to make another flick myself… who knows what the future holds?